There's a large, solidly-built, barren desk with a tiny cat sitting in a chair behind it. The cat is bathing itself.\n\n[[Ask the cat for a job.|officeApplyForJob]]\n\n[[Pet the cat.|officePetCat]]\n\n[[Attack the cat.|officeAttackCat]]\n\n[[Go back out into the hall.|officeHall]]\n\n<<Stats>>
<hr/>level <<$level>> <<$race>> <<$class>>\nweapon: <<$weapon>>\ngloves: <<$gloves>>\njob skills: <<$jobSkills>>\n<<$money>> dollars, <<$orbs>> orbs
<<if $haveGatePass>>You're inside the gate. There's not much here, but it's very clean and the trees and gardens are well-kempt. There's a door to the Four Horsemen Bar and Grill here.\n\n[[Enter the bar.|finalBoss]]\n\n[[Go back to the public street.|street1]]\n\n<<Stats>><<else if $money gte 200>><<set $haveGatePass to true>><<set $money -= 200>><<set $level += 1>><<set $feeling to "anticipatory">>You pay the guard and she hands you a piece of paper with "gate pass" crudely scrawled on it. You can't help but feel you could have just made this yourself. You notice there's not actually a date on it anywhere, so you probably don't have to worry too much about coming back another day.\n\nLevel up! You feel <<$feeling>>.\n\n[[Enter the gate.|insideFinalGate]]<<else>>You don't have enough money!\n\n[[Leave, before the guard gets angry.|street1]]<<endif>>
<<print either("There is no response.", "Someone mumbles grumpily about scheduling a meeting but does not open the door.", "Oops, that one was a painting of a door!", "Someone yells incoherently at you until you move away from the door.", "When you touch the door it delivers a minor electrical shock to you. You back away quickly.", "You approach a door but lose your nerve before touching it.", "You knock and a pleasant voice calls for you to come inside. When you open the door, there's a second, identical door behind it. You throw up your hands and walk away.", "You go to knock on a door but it vanishes before you touch it.")>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $beatFamine>>You already beat Famine!<<else>>Famine starts making you hungry, even though you just ate. <<if $orbs gte 3>><<set $level += 1>><<set $feeling to "satiated">><<set $beatFamine to true>><<set $orbs -= 3>>You start chowing down on your orbs. Soon magical fullness makes your belly feel warm. Famine soon runs out of energy trying to make you hungry. It shrugs. "Well, you win. I need a snack."\n\nLevel up! You feel <<$feeling>>.<<else if $orbs gte 1>>You consider eating your single orb, but you don't think it'll be enough to outlast Famine. You concede before you starve to death.<<else>>You concede before you starve to death.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<set $race to "human">>Race: human\n<<set $class to "barbarian">>Class: barbarian\nDisposition: moody\nAwareness: perspicacious\nEmpathy: meager\n\n<<set $weapon to "none">>Weapon: none\n<<set $gloves to "none">>Gloves: none\n<<set $jobSkills to "none">>Job Skills: nonexistent\n<<set $money to 0>>Funding: short\n<<set $orbs to 0>>Magic Orbs: lacking\n\n<<set $level to 1>><<set $feeling to "boring">>Sorry, due to severe budget cuts customization has been disabled.\n\n[[Begin.|intro]]\n
You are a level <<$level>> <<$race>> <<$class>> with <<if $jobSkills eq "none">>no skills and <<endif>><<$money>> money. You are in a featureless 15x15 square foot room. There is a single door. The door is also featureless. <<if $duck>>Your duck quacks.<<endif>>\n\nYou feel <<$feeling>>.\n\n[[Exit.|officeHall]]\n\n[[Sit and contemplate existence.|intro]]\n\n<<Stats>>
You emerge into a large room lit by rows of fluorescent lights. <<if $employeesDead>>It's barren and quiet.<<else>>There are many employees milling around, typing things into computers, doing paperwork and attending meetings. <<if $weapon eq "none" or $weapon eq "dagger">>The employees are content to ignore you.<<else>>The employees eye your large weapon nervously and edge away from you.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\nThere's a hallway that leads deeper into the office. There's a door that leads to the foyer.\n\n[[Attack the employees.|officeAttackEmployees]]\n\n[[Talk to one of the employees.|officeTalkEmployees]]\n\n[[Go to the foyer.|officeFoyer]]\n\n[[Go into the hall.|officeHall]]\n\n<<Stats>>\n
<<if $class eq "architect">>You stop and chat with Sir Wren for a while before continuing on your quest.<<else>><<set $class to "architect">><<set $level += 1>>You enter the mansion and a man dressed in antiquated clothes greets you. "Thank you so much for clearing that boulder in front of my house! I've been trapped in here for days. I'm Sir Christopher Wren and as a reward, I'll teach you architecture." You stay at the mansion for several years and learn under Sir Wren's tutelage.\n\nLevel up! You are now an architect.<<endif>>\n\n[[Exit to the street.|street2]]\n\n<<Stats>>
<<if $employeesDead>>There's no one left to talk to!<<else>><<print either("You talk to someone working on a computer but they ignore you.", "You talk to someone shuffling papers and they stare at you blankly.", "You walk into a meeting but they shoo you out.", "You flirt with someone taking a break. They seem receptive till they realize you're not an employee. Then they run away from you.", "You talk to someone for 10 minutes until you realize they're asleep.", "You walk up to someone but they shove a stack of papers into your hands. You shrug and throw them away.")>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $beatDeath>>You already beat Death!<<else>>Death menaces you with its scythe. <<if $gloves eq "mythril">><<set $level += 1>><<set $feeling to "lovey">><<set $beatDeath to true>>You run up to it and give it a big hug. Your mythril gloves protect you from being desiccated alive. Death makes an embarrassed, squealing sound. "That was a good hug. Thanks!" it says, and concedes the fight to you.\n\nLevel up! You feel <<$feeling>>.<<else>>Death is incorporeal, so you don't think you can defeat it in combat. You'd give it a big hug but you think it would eat away your skin without some sort of magical protection. You concede before you get sliced up.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $repairedRobot>>"I'm fine right now, thanks," it says.<<else>><<set $repairedRobot to true>><<set $gloves to "ratty">><<set $feeling to "oily">><<set $level += 1>>"Now that you mention it, I seem to be getting a bit rusty in the joints. There's some oil here, if you'd be so kind." \n\nYou pick up the oil can and get to work. When you finish you notice that your hands are spotted black. "Sorry about that!" the robot says. "Here, take these gloves, so you don't get oil on everything." It hands you a pair of old, stained gloves.\n\nLevel up! You feel <<$feeling>>.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $jobSkills eq "none">><<set $level += 1>><<set $jobSkills to "educated">>You sit down and start reading some books. Engrossed, you finish one after another. Soon you are surrounded by stacks of books you've finished.\n\nLevel up! You feel smarter.<<else>>You're too smart for these books.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
"Nope!" says Ellen enthusiastically.\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if not $boughtDagger and $money gte 1>><<set $money -= 1>><<set $level += 1>><<set $weapon to "dagger">><<set $boughtDagger to true>>You hand over a hard-earned dollar bill and Ellen hands you a dagger. "Would you like that wrapped?" she asks. You shake your head.\n\nLevel up! You equip the dagger.<<else>><<if $boughtDagger>>You already bought that!<<else>>You don't have enough money!<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $weapon eq "none">>You don't have a weapon with which to kill the guard!\n\n[[Run away!|museumFoyer]]<<else>><<set $level += 1>><<set $feeling to "stabby">><<set $killedGuard to true>>You stab the guard in the back. He groans and keels over without a fight. You go through his pockets but he isn't carrying any money or anything useful.\n\nLevel up! You feel <<$feeling>>.\n\n[[That'll teach him to do his job!|museumKingArthur]]<<endif>>
<<if $gloves eq "none">>You approach the cat but without gloves it doesn't want to be petted. You chase it around the table in a comical scene but do not succeed in catching it.<<else if $gloves eq "mythril" and not $pettedCat>><<set $pettedCat to true>><<set $feeling to "fuzzy">><<set $orbs += 1>><<set $level += 1>>You pet the cat with your fancy gloves. It is extremely happy. It opens a desk drawer and gives you an orb.\n\nLevel up! You feel fuzzy.<<else>><<set $feeling to "fuzzy">>You pet the <<if not $duck>>cat<<else>>QUACK<<endif>>. It seems to enjoy it<<if not $pettedCat>>, but it might enjoy it EVEN MORE if you had better gloves<<endif>>.\n\nYou feel fuzzy.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $clearedBoulder>>The mansion's yard is peaceful and well-groomed. <<if $duck>>Your duck wanders around.<<endif>>\n\n[[Enter the mansion.|mansion]]\n\n[[Back to the street.|street2]]\n\n<<Stats>><<else>>You walk up to the mansion, but it appears the mansion's door is blocked by a giant boulder! <<if $race eq "robot">><<set $level += 1>><<set $clearedBoulder to true>>Luckily, you figure your robot arms are strong enough. You grab ahold and lift. The rock feels as light as a feather to you. You put it out by the dumpster.\n\nLevel up!\n\n[[Enter the mansion.|mansion]]\n\n[[Back to the street.|street2]]\n\n<<Stats>><<else>>Your puny human arms are not sufficient to move it. You head back to the street.\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]<<endif>><<endif>>
You enter into a hallway lined with doors. One door has an "EXIT" sign on it. There is also a <<if not $duck>>door<<else>>QUACK<<endif>> labeled "HR". Most of the other doors have a nameplate fastened to them. The hall opens up on one end to a large room filled with people.\n\n[[Go through the "HR" door.|officeHR]]\n\n[[Go to the large room.|officeOpenArea]]\n\n[[Go through the "EXIT" door.|officeFoyer]]\n\n[[Knock on a door at random.|officeKnockOnDoors]]\n\n[[Go back into the featureless room.|intro]]\n\n<<Stats>>
<<if not $duck and $money gte 5>><<set $money -= 5>><<set $level += 1>><<set $duck to true>>You count out $5 and give it to Ellen. She heads into the back and brings you a live mallard. It quacks. "Would you like that wrapped?" she asks. You stare at her. She shrugs. "Just asking," she says.\n\nLevel up! You equip the duck.<<else>><<if $duck>>You already bought that!<<else>>You don't have enough money!<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
"Don't these things just OOZE evilness, though?" says Ellen. "I mean, look at this dagger!" She holds it up. It looks like a normal dagger.\n\nYou shrug.\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
The City Between Here and Nowhere
The bar is completely empty but the hostess seats you at a table with a good view of the city. You eat a delicious steak dinner. When you ask for the bill, the server tells you it's on the house.\n\nThe owners, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, come out to see you. They speak in unison. "Welcome glorious adventurer! Would you like to challenge us to combat? We're very bored."\n\n[["No thanks."|insideFinalGate]]\n\n[[Challenge War.|war]]\n\n[[Challenge Famine.|famine]]\n\n[[Challenge Pestilence.|pestilence]]\n\n[[Challenge Death.|death]]\n\n<<if $beatWar and $beatFamine and $beatPestilence and $beatDeath>>[["I've defeated all four of you. What is my reward?"|gameEnd]]\n\n<<endif>><<Stats>>
<<if $hitRobot>>You've already done the maximum amount of damage possible to the robot.<<else>><<if $weapon eq "Excalibur">><<set $hitRobot to true>><<set $level += 1>><<set $gloves to "mythril">>You strike with the holy sword Excalibur as hard as you can. There's a brilliant flash of light where it makes contact with the robot's shell. Smoke fills the room, and as it clears you see you have made a tiny dent in the metal.\n\nThe robot looks surprised. "Wow! That's the first time anyone has damaged me even a little bit. I'm extremely impressed. Here, take my hands as a reward. Don't worry, I have backup hands."\n\nLevel up! You receive mythril gloves.<<else>>You wail on the robot as hard as you can for hours. You fail to make even a scratch on its outer shell. It does not react to your efforts.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
body {\n color: #000000;\n background-color: #FFFFFF;\n}
You're on a busy street lined with high buildings. People push past you when you stop to look around. <<if $duck>>Your duck is anxious around all the people.<<endif>>\n\nThere's an office building here. There's a sign advertising "Ellen's Evil Equipment Emporium" with an arrow pointing into an alley. There's a mysterious gate here covered with glowing runes.\n\n[[Go into the office building.|officeFoyer]]\n\n[[Walk into the alley.|store]]\n\n<<if $haveGatePass>>[[Go through the gate.|insideFinalGate]]<<else>>[[Try the gate.|finalGate]]<<endif>>\n\n[[Walk down the street.|street2]]\n\n[[Pickpocket the pedestrians.|pickpocket]]\n\n<<Stats>>
You're on a quiet street, surrounded by houses. Pedestrians are scarce. <<if $duck>>Your duck quacks happily.<<endif>>\n\nThe road eventually ends at a gate to a mansion on a hill. Strangely, the gate appears to be standing open. There is also a sign advertising a nearby museum.\n\n[[Try the mansion.|mansionYard]]\n\n[[Go to the museum.|museumFoyer]]\n\n[[Walk up the street.|street1]]\n\n<<Stats>>
<<print either('You see a series of self-portraits by Van Gogh.', 'You see "The Swing" by Fragonard.', 'You see "The Last Supper" by Da Vinci.', 'You see a series of paintings of grainstacks by Monet.', 'You see "Crucifix" by Cimabue.', 'You see "Sudden Shower at the Atake Bridge" by Hiroshige.', 'You see "The Milkmaid" by Vermeer.', 'You see "Liberty Leading the People" by Delacroix.', 'You see "Hunters in the Snow" by Bruegel.')>>\n\n[[Continue looking at paintings.|museumPaintings]]\n\n[[Go back to the foyer.|museumFoyer]]\n\n<<Stats>>
The museum appears to be closed but the front door isn't locked. You enter. There is no one to be seen. The west wing of the museum is dedicated to a King Arthur exhibit. The east wing seems to contain famous paintings. The rear of the building appears to be a library.\n\n[[Visit the King Arthur exhibit.|museumKingArthur]]\n\n[[Look at some paintings.|museumPaintings]]\n\n[[Go to the library.|museumLibrary]]\n\n[[Leave.|street2]]\n\n<<Stats>>
by Bret Sepulveda\n\nediting by Liz Cady and Nathan Weizenbaum\n\nThanks for playing!
They hand you a tiny collar with a leash attached. You stare at it. "What's this for?" you ask.\n\n"It's a duck leash!" they say. "For your duck."\n\n<<if not $duck>>"What? What duck?"\n\n"You don't have a duck? Oh, sorry, we thought you had a duck. We don't have anything else to give you."<<else>>"Oh, perfect!" You put the collar on your duck and start walking it around. "Thanks!"\n\n"We're glad you enjoy it," they say.<<endif>>\n\n[[Credits.|credits]]
You enter a small foyer with a desk. A bored-looking secretarial robot is sitting at it, drawing perfect circles on a memo pad.\n\nThere's a door out to the street and two doors leading into the office.\n\n[[Talk to the robot.|officeTalkRobot]]\n\n[[Attack the robot.|officeAttackRobot]]\n\n[[Challenge the robot to a circle-drawing contest.|officeCircleDrawing]]\n\n[[Go into the open area.|officeOpenArea]]\n\n[[Go into the hallway.|officeHall]]\n\n[[Go out into the street.|street1]]\n\n<<Stats>>
Bret Sepulveda
There's a bunch of King Arthur-related stuff around the walls, but you're more interested in the centerpiece: a huge pond with a Lady of the Lake statue in the middle. <<if $gotExcalibur>>You already took the sword from the statue so there isn't much else interesting to do.<<else>><<set $gotExcalibur to true>><<set $level += 1>><<set $weapon to "Excalibur">>The statue is holding a replica Excalibur. You figure even if it's a fake sword it's better than a dagger.\n\nYou wade out into the lake and grab hold of the sword. When you do, you feel energy course through your arms. This is the real Excalibur! You have no idea how the museum came into possession of this, but it's yours now.\n\nLevel up! You equip Excalibur. You give it a few practice swings. You can practically feel the angels guiding its path.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $wonCircleDrawing>>The robot isn't interested in challenging you now that you've won once.<<else>><<if $class eq "architect">><<set $wonCircleDrawing to true>><<set $orbs += 3>><<set $level += 1>>You channel your experience, gained from studying for many long years as a architect, and draw the best circle of your entire life. The robot looks at it and immediately concedes.\n\nLevel up! The robot gives you 3 orbs as a reward.<<else>>You and the robot both frantically draw circles for several minutes. You can hardly keep up with the robot's pace and accuracy. In the end, it soundly defeats you.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $beatPestilence>>You already beat Pestilence!<<else>>Pestilence winds up with an energy ball made from its best diseases. <<if $jobSkills eq "experienced">><<set $level += 1>><<set $feeling to "healthy">><<set $beatPestilence to true>>You put your giant brain to work and quickly come up with a cure for all diseases and apply it to yourself. Pestilence's energy ball bounces harmless off your steely immune system. Pestilence concedes.\n\nLevel up! You feel <<$feeling>>.<<else>>You think frantically for a way to prevent yourself from getting sick but come up with nothing. Right before Pestilence throws the energy ball you concede.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $beatWar>>You already beat War!<<else>>War readies its enormous cleaver. <<if $weapon eq "Excalibur">><<set $level += 1>><<set $feeling to "warlike">><<set $beatWar to true>>You raise Excalibur and charge at War. The two of you exchange blows for several minutes. Finally, it appears you're getting the upper hand. A single missed parry by War and the holy blade slices through its armor like it was butter. It falls to its knees and lays its sword on the ground.\n\nLevel up! You feel <<$feeling>>.<<else if $weapon eq "dagger">>You draw your dagger but quickly realize the foolishness of trying to take it on with this puny thing. You concede.<<else>>You put up your fists. War laughs at you. Embarrassed, you concede.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
You're in the library. There are shelves and <<if not $duck>>shelves<<else>>QUACK<<endif>> of books.\n\n[[Read some books.|readSomeBooks]]\n\n<<if $jobSkills eq "none">>[[Books are for nerds.|museumFoyer]]<<else>>[[I'm not interested right now.|museumFoyer]]<<endif>>\n\n<<Stats>>
<<if $pickpocketed>>You vowed never to pickpocket again, remember?<<else>><<if $gloves eq "ratty" or $gloves eq "mythril">><<set $level += 1>><<set $money += 1>><<set $pickpocketed to true>>You stealthily pick every pocket you come across, but no one seems to have any money. Finally, you spot a man in a fancy suit and nab his wallet, which contains $1.\n\nLevel up! But you vow to never pick anyone's pocket again, because obviously there's no point.<<else>>If you pickpocket now you'll leave fingerprints on everyone's wallets. Try again when you have some gloves.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
<<if $race eq "robot">>The robot looks at you strangely. "You're already a robot!"<<else if $orbs gte 1>><<set $orbs -= 1>><<set $race to "robot">>The robot builds you a slick chassis and shell. Then it takes one of your orbs and uses it to power the body. Finally it downloads your brain into your new form.\n\nCongratulations! You are now a robot.<<else>>"I could make you a robot, but I need a orb to complete the process," it says.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
You're <<if not $duck>>in<<else>>QUACK<<endif>> the entrance of the King Arthur exhibit. There's a lot of art in here, like "The Lady of the Lake Offering Arthur Excalibur" by Kappes. <<if $killedGuard>>The corpse of a security guard is here.\n\n[[Enter the exhibit.|museumSword]]\n\n[[Exit the exhibit.|museumFoyer]]<<else>>Suddenly you hear a noise and see a flashlight beam sweep the wall. It's a security guard!\n\n[[Kill him!|museumKillGuard]]\n\n[[Run away!|museumFoyer]]<<endif>>\n\n<<Stats>>
What kind of monster do you have to be to try to attack a cat?\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
Ellen's Evil Equipment Emporium is a small, dingy store wedged between two highrise apartment buildings. The door sticks as you pull it open. A bell rings. A woman, who you presume is Ellen, greets you. "Welcome! We're having a sale today! Everything is 90% off." <<if $duck>>Your duck quacks.<<endif>>\n\n[[Buy a dagger for $1.|buyDagger]]\n\n[[Buy a duck for $5.|buyDuck]]\n\n[["Do you... have anything else?"|anythingElse]]\n\n[["Why is the equipment EVIL?"|whyIsItEvil]]\n\n[[Back to the street.|street1]]\n\n<<Stats>>
<<if $officeJobDone>>You've already done this job.<<else if $jobSkills eq "none">>How do you plan on applying for a job with no skills?<<else>><<set $officeJobDone to true>><<set $money += 200>><<set $feeling to "tedious">><<set $level += 1>><<set $jobSkills to "experienced">>The cat purrs. It is very impressed with your qualifications. It offers you a job and you take it. You complete paperwork! You attend meetings! You leverage synergy!\n\nLevel up! You receive a paycheck for 200 dollars. You are now experienced! You feel <<$feeling>>.<<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
The robot perks up when it realizes you're interested in talking to it. "What do you need?" it asks. <<if $duck>>Your duck quacks.<<endif>>\n\n[["Need help with anything?"|officeRepairRobot]]\n\n[["Can I be a robot too?"|officeBecomeRobot]]\n\n[["Nothing, sorry."|officeFoyer]]\n\n<<Stats>>
<<if $employeesDead>>There's no one left to attack!<<else>><<if $weapon eq "none">>You flail at the employees ineffectively. They mock you.<<else if $weapon eq "dagger">>You pull your dagger on the employees but they file an injunction to make you put it away.<<else>><<set $level += 1>><<set $money += 5>><<set $feeling to "bloodthirsty">><<set $employeesDead to true>>You pull out your holy sword and mercilessly slaughter the employees. Their bodies are consumed by holy fire.\n\nLevel up! You comb through the ashes for loose change and come up with $5. You feel <<$feeling>>.<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Back.|previous()]]
You walk up to the gate. When you get close you notice that it's actually covered in gold and <<if not $duck>>gems<<else>>QUACK<<endif>> in addition to the glowing runes. There's a guard in a tower behind it. "What do you want?" she shouts down at you.\n\n"Can I come in?" you reply.\n\n"There's a toll! $200 for an all-day pass."\n\n[[Enter the gate.|insideFinalGate]]\n\n[[Leave.|street1]]\n\n<<Stats>>